HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR COOL
If Robert won’t share the crayons with you, tell him he’ll have to sit down during recess. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Go play outside, I can’t concentrate with all the noise! From the very beginning we are taught to be polite to others, to mind our manners, to play nicely and fairly. You would think we’d all have the hang of it by now.
But unless you live alone on a remote South Pacific island, getting along with people – especially difficult people – is something most of us struggle to do on a daily basis. You know the usual culprits: the roommate who never cleans her dirty dishes, the boss who’s always critical, the sister who smacks when chewing gum, the boyfriend who always says the most insensitive things.
Heaven forbid if you ever did any of these things yourself.
Learning to live, work and play with others is an ongoing process, one that continues from infancy through adulthood. With that in mind, here’s a quick refresher to help you better understand how to get along with others (and how to be easy to get along with yourself).
CONTRIBUTING FACTORS
According to clinical psychologist Barbara Hardin, Ph.D., relationships often get off to rocky starts at the beginning.
“When we meet a new person, often we react as if they are somebody else,” she explains. “They might remind us of an unpleasant teacher we had or a former boyfriend or girlfriend with whom we had a bad relationship, and we expect this new acquaintance to react like the other person. It can cause us to dislike them before we ever get a chance to know them.”
A variety of other internal and external factors also contribute to the ways people behave and the ways we perceive those behaviors, says Hardin, who is the director of clinical psychology for the Counseling & Testing Center at St. Mary’s University in San Antonio. She adds that it’s important to be aware of these when dealing with others.
Hardin notes that some people are inherently more difficult to get along with than others. “Rigidity and a lack of empathy or compassion for other people’s points of view are attributes of people who tend to be hard to get along with,” she says. “They often feel like they’re right and no matter what the circumstance is, they are very unwilling to listen to other perspectives.”
She points out that these people tend to be poor communicators as well. “One aspect that’s particularly deadly in interpersonal relationships is when someone has a whole lot of rules or assumptions on how something should happen but fails to share those with the other person,” she explains. “It’s a setup for the other person to constantly be in the hot seat because they don’t know the ‘rules.'”
Hardin says another important factor that can cause conflict is how introverted or extroverted a person is. This is particularly important if two people spend a lot of time together, such as roommates or co-workers. “It’s about where you get your energy,” explains Hardin. “Extroverts tend to get more energized the more they’re around people; introverts find that very taxing because they get their energy when they’re by themselves. By the end of the day, they really need some space.”
Hardin says family background, too, can play an important role in creating conflict. Interestingly, she has found that people raised in military families tend to be either unusually good at meeting new people or unusually bad. “It has to do with the frequent moves that many of these people make during childhood. They tend to be either very flexible and adaptable to new people and environments, or it traumatizes them, making them rigid and suspicious.
That sets up a scenario where they assume they’re going to be disliked,” says Hardin. “I’ve seen this played out in young adults entering the corporate world where they need to do networking and relationship – building. If they go into the situation assuming they’re going to be disliked, it sets them up for failure.”
The closeness of the relationship between two people also can be a contributing factor to conflict. “Ironically, the closer you are to someone, the more likely there will be difficulty because of something called attribution of motives,” Hardin says.
“Family members tend to attribute huge motives to each other if they do or don’t do something. If you invite a relative over for dinner and she’s late, it’s because ‘she always thought she was better than me’ or something like that, rather than the fact that she actually did have a flat tire on the way,” she says.
Hardin attributes a lack of basic social skills to increasing conflict today, in general. “In a lot of cases, people have forgotten how to talk to one another. It’s one of the negatives of television and computers because people spend lots of time in solitary activities, and they really haven’t learned how to carry on a conversation,” Hardin says.
The situations in which you relate to other people can cause conflicts as well. “There are certain people that, if you met them in one situation, would be great to be around, but you might not want to meet them in a different situation,” explains Hardin. “For example, there are a lot of people who would be fun as a co-worker but you’d hate to have as a boss.”
Another factor, says Hardin, that can cause relationships to be difficult are the stakes of the relationship. “Let’s say you’re a college student and your faculty advisor – a person who may determine whether or not you get a job or admission to graduate school – is making life difficult for you. The stakes of that relationship are very high for you,” she says. In cases like this, Hardin says even minor disagreements can become major conflicts.
WHAT TO DO?
Now that we have a high-level view of the many factors that can strain relationships and cause conflict, what can be done to minimize these stressful interactions, even when dealing with an “inherently difficult” person?
Here are a few tips from Hardin:
TRY LISTENING FOR A CHANGE.
Effective interpersonal communication should be 80 percent listening, 20 percent talking. If both people in a relationship will try to practice this, conversations will be much more focused and less likely to spin off into blame sessions or arguments.
BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE; TRY TO AVOID VAGUENESS OR GENERALIZATIONS. If you tell your spouse to take it easy on the credit card this month, do you mean, “Don’t buy groceries,” or simply “Watch what you spend at the mall”?
WHEN YOU HAVE A CONFLICT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, TRY TO FRAME THE DISCUSSION LIKE THIS: “When you do X, I feel like Y.” That helps to avoid the blame game and also will be less likely to make the other person defensive of their actions.
CLARIFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF A RELATIONSHIP. If you’re dealing with a roommate, for example, clarify what household chores he or she expects from you. This will likely be a process of negotiation. On the other hand, clarifying expectations of a boss is much more of a listening process; you may not have the authority to negotiate responsibilities at work, but you do have the right to ask questions.
DEAL WITH THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU AS THEY COME UP. Address them when you’re not angry, but also know your objective. Convincing your roommate to choose a now boyfriend because you don’t like this one is probably asking too much. On the other hand, getting your roommate to keep her stereo turned down while you sleep is certainly reasonable. Be willing to hear the other person’s issues, too: You might be annoying someone in ways you never thought of!
HOW SOME READERS RESOLVED THEIR CONFLICTS
PUT IT IN WRITING
When I was a freshman in high school, I made the varsity softball team as the starting pitcher. I got along well with my teammates and coaches and as a senior, I was voted captain. I began my senior year ready to tackle the mound and exhibit great leadership for my team. However, when tryouts rolled around, there was a freshman who was a phenomenal pitcher. She was big and strong and threw every pitch in the book. She ended up being the starting pitcher that year, while I, the captain, sat on the bench and cheered my team on.
Although it was a difficult position to be in, I knew I had to keep a good attitude and be positive for the good of my team, whether on the field or in the dugout. Our last home game is always “senior day.” In the three years before that I had been there, every senior on the team started the game, even if it was just for an inning, or as a pinch runner. Well, when it was my turn, I did not get to touch the dirt once. The coaches did not let me pitch an inning, let alone be a designated hitter. I was the captain and sat on the bench for senior day. So, without making a scene and yelling at the coaches, I decided to go home and write them a letter. I very professionally wrote how I felt hurt that the coaches did not let me, a player they knew and respected, play at all. I also explained that 1, as captain, had done a lot that season to support my team and the coaches had done nothing to recognize that. I would not have been as hurt if they had talked to me before the game and told me that I would not be playing, but they just let me sit and hoped I wouldn’t say anything. Both coaches the next day apologized profusely for not talking to me beforehand. They also thanked me for handling the situation maturely. Writing a letter was a very helpful way to get my thoughts across without being disrespectful, whiny or selfish. -ASHLEY HAGEMAN, WAYZATA, MN
TRY EMPATHY
I encounter people who are hard to get along with almost daily. I have worked part-time in the floral department of a grocery store for almost a year. A lot of the people I deal with are in a hurry, in a bad mood or just plain crabby. I have found that the best way to get along with these people is to really put myself in their shoes. If you just think of all the possibilities of why they may be in a bad mood, it is easier to be kind to them. For example – what if their spouse just died of cancer, or they got laid off from work? You wouldn’t want to be mean to someone in that kind of situation. So just put a smile on your face, and be as kind as possible. – SUSAN MARIE BROWN, BELLEFONTAINE, OH
THE DIRECT APPROACH
I once had a difficult time with my friend. She was getting herself into bad habits and causing herself harm. I hate to see my friends get hurt because they are my No. 1 priority. I wanted to help her. So … my solution was that I asked her to sleep over one night. That was when I told her that she was making the wrong decisions and that I cared about her more than anything. After I told her that, she quit doing what she started and now she is back to her old self again. I’m glad I have my best friend back! – RHONDA ELKENDIER, APPLETON, WI
TALK IT OVER
I have always had trouble with English and English teachers since I started junior high. This year was no exception. I guess I struggled so much because I knew this was the first year everything started to count. Even though it was just freshman English, I had big problems with the work and the teacher. I had a tough time dealing with the teacher and I know she had a tough time dealing with me. I wasn’t the greatest student, but I always tried my hardest. Some assignments would turn out extremely good and some would turn out terrible. She would get mad at me when I turned in an assignment that didn’t even deserve a grade just a day after I turned in an A+ book review. In my mind I was sure she hated me.
Finally, I got up the smarts to go in and talk to her one day after school. She gave me advice on how to do better work and assured me that she didn’t hate me and that it was just in my head. With her advice I scored the highest of all my class on the final exam. The best advice I can offer those of you out there who struggle with teachers or classes is sit down and talk to the teacher.
Also, don’t think “Well, I’m too cool to go talk to a teacher” or “It’s just going to be a waste of my time,” because it’s not true. It will all come back you in the end if you don’t. Trust me – MATT KELLER, GARDNERVILLE, NV
TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK
I’ve been home-schooled my whole life, up until the second semester of the eighth-grade. It was a very scary experience for me, but what made it worse was a particular boy in class. The first day we met, this boy began to pick on me in every way he could. I have a weight problem and the third day I was there he got almost everyone in the gym chanting “1-800-97-Jenny” when the coach left.
After that I decided I wasn’t going to ignore him anymore. So every time he made fun of me, I laughed with him; every time he would pull my bra strap, or steal my pencil, I just smiled. If he was short a quarter to get a Coke at lunch, I would lend him the quarter even if it meant I would have to drink water. I didn’t ignore him or get mad, I was nice to him, and that was the opposite reaction of what he was looking for.
As I assumed from the beginning, he didn’t know what had happened, so he stopped picking on me a little at a time. By the end of the semester, he no longer picked on me at all, and we were actually good friends, and still are. And all it took was to take the Lord’s words to heart and just turn the other cheek. – KARA JOY DOWELL, CARTERSVILLE, GA
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RESOURCES FOR READERS
1. CONTACT THE COUNSELING CENTER AT YOUR COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY. If you’re not a student, you may be able to receive limited services or resources from a community college or university in your area.
2. VISIT HTTP:HUHS.UCHICAGO.EDU/SCRS/VPC/VIRTUIETS.HTMI on the Internet to check out its virtual pamphlet collection for a library of self-help information available at the click of your mouse.
3. Another great site is the Student Counseling Centers on the Internet site at: HTTP.//UB-COUNSELING.BUFFALO.EDU/CENTERS.BTMI
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