In recent years I\u2019ve read several reports about community Easter egg hunts getting canceled. Why? Aggressive parents were jumping onto the field to help their kids retrieve Easter eggs, despite being told by event organizers that the hunts were only for children. In their desire to ensure that their own children received plenty of eggs, they took whatever measures were necessary, creating a situation where some kids were pushed aside and didn\u2019t get eggs. Of course, the actions were well intentioned.<\/p>\n
In another story, a mother of a set of twins heard that a bee had stung a neighbor. Word got out that it was a nasty sting, so this mom decided it was too dangerous to allow her twins to play outside. She kept them inside. All summer. Again, a well-intentioned choice.<\/p>\n
In 2012 the media reported that Aubrey Ireland, a 21-year old student at the University of Cincinnati Conservatory of Music, got a restraining order against her parents for \u201cstalking her.\u201d They installed tracking software on her electronic devices, made surprise visits and wanted her to stay on a Skype all night, while she slept, so they could monitor her. Aubrey said their helicopter ways were just too much.<\/p>\n
I am a dad. I also lead a nonprofit organization that partners with 8,000 schools across America. This gives me a unique vantage point on today\u2019s new generation of parents. Over the last few decades, I\u2019ve watched parents give a new report card to themselves: If we\u2019re going to be good parents, we have to act like the proverbial helicopter.<\/p>\n
In the name of our children\u2019s safety and self-esteem, we\u2019ve hovered over them, desiring to prevent any negative experience that might damage their esteem or hinder their safety. Now that my own kids are grown adults, I can see how, at times, my wife and I did a better job protecting our kids from the world than preparing them to live in it. After all, these are our children, we reason with faulty logic, instead of learning to trust God for our children\u2019s growth so they, too, may one day learn to lean on Him.<\/p>\n
Kids maturing<\/p>\n
When our kids were toddlers, they often needed our vigilant presence and constant watchful eye. However, we need to shift roles to adjust to our kids\u2019 maturity level. We must move from being a helicopter parent \u2014 hovering, guarding, keeping a tight hold, perhaps manipulating and controlling \u2014 to being a \u201clighthouse parent.\u201d<\/p>\n
A lighthouse stays in one location, and it\u2019s a beacon that has ongoing communication with passing ships. A lighthouse reveals its location; it warns mariners of danger and provides wise guidance \u2014 but it won\u2019t chase down the ships. How does the analogy apply to parenting? Here are the differences in a nutshell:<\/p>\n
Helicopter Parents Hover and control Follow kids around Tell them how to behave Impose rules and regulations
\n Lighthouse Parents Check in and communicate Won\u2019t chase kids down to enforce rules Let them know where they stand Offer wisdom (light) and guidance
\nOur children won\u2019t mature in a healthy way if they aren\u2019t allowed to navigate scary situations and challenging experiences. Kids need to take calculated risks to mature. Unfortunately, American parents often view struggle as a negative thing. We\u2019ve created a world of convenience, filled with smartphones, microwaves and the Internet. The message is that struggles and discomfort are to be avoided. We\u2019ve recognized the value of self-esteem but forget that it should be strengthened through challenges.<\/p>\n
What we fail to see is that when we remove struggles from our children\u2019s lives, we begin to render them helpless. They lose the opportunity to develop resilience, creativity and problem-solving skills \u2014 important strengths they\u2019ll need later on.<\/p>\n
Scripture reminds us to count it joy when we fall into trials, for this kind of testing produces endurance. We\u2019re then encouraged to allow endurance to have its full effect (James 1:2-4). When we continually step in to control our kids\u2019 levels of risk, they don\u2019t learn how to be in control or under control. In fact, all they learn is how to be controlled or how to seek help every step of the way.<\/p>\n
Five scenarios<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s take a quick look at what the shift from helicopter to lighthouse might look like:<\/p>\n
Scenario No. 1<\/p>\n
Nathan gazes at the monkey bars on the community playground. They seem scary. He starts to climb slowly. Helicopter parent: Rushes over and shouts, \u201cStop, Nathan! You might fall. I can tell you\u2019re scared, so I don\u2019t want you touching those things for two more years.\u201d (Later the parent appeals to have the monkey bars removed from the playground.) Lighthouse parent: Calmly walks over and says, \u201cWhat do you think, Nate? Want to try climbing up a little ways? I\u2019ll watch you. I remember climbing monkey bars when I was your age. If you\u2019re careful, they can be tons of fun.\u201d
\n Scenario No. 2<\/p>\n
Zoe, a second-grader, forgets to take her backpack to school. Helicopter parent: Calls the school, informing them that Zoe didn\u2019t remember her backpack. Then the parent drives it to the school, so Zoe doesn\u2019t get in trouble. Lighthouse parent: Waits for the phone call about the backpack. Then talks it over with an educator to see if Zoe may learn a greater lesson by not having it for a day. (This requires long-term thinking, knowing that a little pain now will help Zoe\u2019s memory in the future.)
\n Scenario No. 3<\/p>\n
Ten-year old Josh asks his mom if he can climb the rocky hill down the street. It could result in some scrapes. Helicopter parent: \u201cAbsolutely not! I have told you over and over that I don\u2019t want you breaking a leg climbing on those rocks. Why don\u2019t you play inside?\u201d Lighthouse parent: \u201cYes, as long as you climb with a friend and watch out for each other. Can I trust you to be back in an hour?\u201d (Scrapes and bruises may be unavoidable, but Josh needs to develop motor skills.)
\n Scenario No. 4<\/p>\n
Eleven-year old Emily wants to sell cookies door-to-door for her scouting program. She\u2019d rather not do it with her mom tagging along. Helicopter parent: \u201cSweetie \u2014 you know I don\u2019t let you do that sort of thing without me. It\u2019s far too dangerous.\u201d (Emily gets the message to avoid all risks.) Lighthouse parent: \u201cAs long as you go with Maggie and stay on our block, I\u2019m OK with it. Have fun. I\u2019ll go with you and wait on the sidewalk if we go to other neighborhoods.\u201d (Mom finds a healthy balance of freedom and safety.)
\n Scenario No. 5<\/p>\n
Ben has been invited to a sleepover at his good friend\u2019s house. He\u2019s 9, but has been too scared to spend the night till now. Helicopter parent: \u201cI\u2019m not so sure this is a good idea. You know you get scared at these things. I think we better say no, sweetheart.\u201d (Ben learns to avoid his fears.) Lighthouse parent: \u201cDo you think you\u2019re ready? I\u2019d love to see you try, Ben. Let\u2019s plan for you to go. We know Michael\u2019s mom will be glad to help you, and if you need to, you can call me at 9:00 to talk over how you\u2019re doing.\u201d
\nEssentially, when we remove all risks from our kids’ lives, we may do more long-term harm than the risk itself.<\/p>\n
________<\/p>\n
Dr. Tim Elmore is a nationally recognized speaker, an author and the founder and president of Growing Leaders.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In recent years I\u2019ve read several reports about community Easter egg hunts getting canceled. Why? Aggressive parents were jumping onto the field to help their kids retrieve Easter eggs, despite being told by event organizers that the hunts were only for children. In their desire to ensure that their own children received plenty of eggs, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[169,1113,1118,604,1119],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7991"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7991"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7991\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7991"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7991"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.churchedge.com\/illustrations\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7991"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}