When \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019 isn\u2019t enough, take these steps to encourage healing and reconciliation.<\/p>\n
________<\/p>\n
Many families endure fights, says Susan Kuczmarski, an expert on family relationships who teaches at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, but some of the feuds linger, and the chasms that separate parents and their adult children are among the most painful.<\/p>\n
Joshua Coleman, is co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families who runs a webinar for parents who want to improve relations with their adult children. He sees so much of this problem that he calls parent\/adult child estrangement a silent epidemic. \u201cNobody wants to talk about this,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
And yet people are more than willing to share their stories online. Coleman\u2019s web forums are teeming with questions from parents seeking answers about how to heal. The Experience Project hosts a support group for parents of disaffected children. The stories are heart-wrenching \u2014 no matter how old the children, the parents want them back in their lives.<\/p>\n
Ties That Do Not Bind<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, when the hurt has been going on for a long time, simply saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d isn\u2019t enough. \u201cFirst you have to recognize what caused the rupture,\u201d Kuczmarksi says, \u201cand you might not like what you find.\u201d Perhaps you crossed a line. Or maybe you said or did something that your child experienced as deeply wounding even if you never intended to hurt her.<\/p>\n
The other possibility is that you might discover \u2014 or be forced to finally acknowledge \u2014 that something is \u201cnot quite right\u201d with your child. Rick Casey, who refused to underwrite his son Evan\u2019s fantasy of a post-college \u201cyear of spirituality,\u201d cannot make peace with him a decade later.<\/p>\n
\u201cI could have afforded to pay for the trip. But I thought it would build his character if he worked for a bit and saved money to help finance it,\u201d Casey says. \u201cInstead he got furious at me. Every six months I suggest we have dinner. He\u2019ll pick a really expensive restaurant and I go along with it because I think, Maybe he\u2019s past his anger and wants a relationship. At the end of the meal, though, he\u2019ll push his chair back, tell me how I ruined his life, call me a tightwad \u2014 even though I\u2019m paying for dinner \u2014 and walk out in a huff.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sometimes an adult child\u2019s behavior is so bizarre that there might be a personality disorder or mental illness at play. Rick speculated, reluctantly, that his son may be clinically depressed since he hasn\u2019t been able to stick with a job for more than a few months.<\/p>\n
Sometimes you never know what\u2019s really going on. Martha Reilly had a pretty good relationship with her son, Adam \u2014 until he got married. \u201cEmma\u2019s family is quite rich \u2014 we thought they looked down on my second husband and me because we\u2019re schoolteachers who live modestly,\u201d Martha explains. \u201cAt first Emma would invite us over for holidays, yet none of her family would speak to us. When we asked Adam what was going on, he just shrugged. Then he said he was annoyed with us for being so petty.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe invites stopped coming. Eventually Adam stopped visiting us too,\u201d she continues. \u201cWe see him rarely anymore, and when we do, he\u2019s a different person \u2014 nervous, agitated.\u201d Martha expressed concern that Emma seemed to be controlling her son.<\/p>\n
\u201cI called him to say we were sorry that we had spoken negatively about his in-laws,\u201d she said. \u201cHe shouted at me, \u2018You just don\u2019t get it.\u2019 He\u2019s right; I don\u2019t. But I am worried about his mental health.\u201d<\/p>\n
Steps Toward Forgiveness<\/p>\n
No matter how severe the alienation, family experts believe that adult children can come around to forgiving their parents (unless, of course, the parent was abusive or complicit in abuse). \u201cYou just have to lower your expectations and take it slowly,\u201d Kuczmarski advises. When \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d isn\u2019t enough, think about your own behavior and try different forms of rapprochement that go beyond words.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Try to understand . Even if you\u2019re convinced you\u2019ve done \u201cnothing,\u201d you have done \u201csomething.\u201d After all, you are the parent. You were (and continue to be) a powerful figure in your child\u2019s emotional life. Sometimes there\u2019s a nugget of truth in an adult child\u2019s complaints. For example, your behavior may have inadvertently suggested to one child that you favored the other \u2014 regardless of whether you felt that way. So the first step to making amends is to listen carefully to what your child is trying to tell you.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t be defensive . \u201cNothing can dilute an apology more than self righteousness,\u201d Kuczmarski says. How can you expect your child to believe you mean you are sincerely sorry if you follow the apology with words that indicate you believe you\u2019re right while your child is wrong?<\/p>\n
\u2022 Put it in writing . Sometimes a letter works better than a conversation. \u201cWords on paper can be read over and over so your child can absorb your apology,\u201d Kuczmarski says.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Be humble . It takes a lot of gumption to admit you\u2019ve made a mistake. Plus, you\u2019re modeling positive family behavior. Kuczmarski believes families should talk out problems and be honest about their feelings.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Avoid engaging . Should your adult child feel the need to continue the fight, let her know that, for you, the argument is over. That might irk her because she\u2019s still angry, but in the long run it can have positive consequences. You are less likely to say hurtful things in response to the child\u2019s anger. Also, retreating from the battleground reinforces that you want to make peace.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Find an intermediary . Perhaps you can persuade a friend or family member to approach your child with your olive branch. She may be more receptive if she hears from someone else that you would like to mend the break, Kuczmarski says. Be aware, however, that you are asking a lot here, since your surrogate could become a lightning rod for your child\u2019s rage.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Persevere . It may take many talks or letters to bring around an alienated child. But years may eventually wear away their defenses or soften their anger. You might also want to suggest counseling sessions (which you will pay for). If you don\u2019t live in the same city, perhaps you can find a therapist who works with Skype.<\/p>\n
In the meantime, if your child continues to rebuff your overtures, keep in mind this is an opportunity for you to focus on yourself. \u201cEven people who have healthy relationships with their adult children enter a stage when they don\u2019t need to focus so much on parenting. So give yourself permission to put the estranged child heartache on the back burner while you enjoy new experiences,\u201d Kuczmarski suggests.<\/p>\n
Even as you\u2019re doing that, though, never give up on your child. \u201cThe next communication may be the one that sparks a reconnection.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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