To Quip – ChurchEdge

Criticism

Excerpts from actual performance reviews for British Navy and Marine officers:

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.”
“This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.”
“Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This officer should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

-from Jackspeak: The Purser’s Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage

Forgetfulness

The visiting city dweller was amazed when the farmer gave a whistle and his dog herded the cattle into the corral, then latched the gate with her paw.

“Wow. That’s some dog. What’s her name?”

The forgetful farmer thought a minute, then asked, “What do you call that red flower that smells good and has thorns on the stem?”

“A rose.”

“That’s it!” The farmer turned to his wife. “Hey Rose, what do we call this dog?”

-Mark Ramsey
Medford, Oklahoma

Optimism

In Larry Olsen’s Outdoor Survival Skills, he tells of a guy who has been lost in the desert for days. He’s out of food and water. His lips are parched, his tongue swollen. His legs are bruised and bleeding from crawling, his skin is scorched by the sun, bitten by insects, and pricked by cactus thorns. As he pulls himself over the next sand dune, he sees nothing but more wasteland through his bloodshot, sand-peppered eyes. He sighs, “You know, a few more days of this, and I might get discouraged.”

-Raymond McHenry

The Best of In Other Words

A girl’s parents were appalled by her new boyfriend. The young man was dirty and had tattoos; various body parts were pierced.

The mother took the daughter aside and whispered, “We’re concerned about your date, Dear. He doesn’t seem very nice.”

The daughter replied, “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 5,000 hours of community service?”

Pessimism

Actual bumper stickers:
We’re born naked, wet, & hungry. Then things get worse.

Remember, you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

It’s as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.

Progress

After a week of candidating, the prospective preacher spoke to the church one final time. “Remember, if you call me as your pastor, I intend to do everything within my power to bring this church into the nineteenth century!”

After a thoughtful pause, one member timidly raised a hand. “Don’t you mean the twentieth century, Pastor?”

“No, let’s just take it one century at a time.”