I believe this humorous exam was originally put together at Wheaton College (Illinois) and published in Eternity Magazine in the 1970’s. I added newer versions from the internet. [Holwick]
Welcome to your FINAL EXAM!
Instructions:
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
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HISTORY
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Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific in your response.
MEDICINE
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You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING
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2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them down. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
BIOLOGY
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Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier. Pay special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC
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Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY
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Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, and Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY
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Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
ENGINEERING
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The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
ECONOMICS
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Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy, and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE
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There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects – if any.
EPISTEMOLOGY
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Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
PHYSICS
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Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
PHILOSOPHY
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Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
EXTRA CREDIT: Prove the existence of the universe. Give three other examples.
You may now put down your #2 pencil.
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Extra ones found at http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/humor/0047.html
LITERATURE
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Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T. S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
LOGIC
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Using accepted methodology prove the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.
PSYCHOLOGY
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Employing principles from the major schools of psycho-analytical thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left.
COMPUTER SCIENCE
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Define a computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications interface and all the necessary control programs.
COMPUTER SCIENCE [2]
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Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE
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Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with worldwide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
COMPREHENSION
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(Three minute timed test.)
Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write “yes, yes, yes”. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703 times 668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out “I have.” Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out “I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions.” On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
MORE FINAL EXAMS (by Eric S. Moore)
CHEMISTRY
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Beginning with Schrodinger’s equation, derive all physical and chemical properties of water. Discuss why it is the “universal solvent” and its role in all physico-biological processes. You may not approximate in your derivations.
GEOGRAPHY
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On the unmarked world map on the next page, correctly sketch in and label all the world’s rivers that annually discharge over 4.3×10^10 metric tons of silt.
ENGLISH
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Trace back to proto-Indo-European the etymologies of every English word containing “sk”. Give all possible cognates in German, Spanish, Czech, Illyrian, and Sanskrit.
GEOLOGY
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Describe the complete 4.5 billion-year geological history of North America. Be sure to include effects due to volcanism, erosion, meteoritic impacts, strip-mining, and prairie dogs.
MATHEMATICS
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Restricted to just one sheet of paper, a pencil, and basic arithmetic, you are to calculate the values of the first twenty Mersenne primes containing the digits in David Lee Roth’s telephone number. Show all work.
MOLECULAR BIOLOGY
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Using the molecular model kit underneath your desk, construct a complete model of a human epithelial cell. Demonstrate all cellular processes with your model, including anaerobic glycolysis, protein production, and meitosis. You may not collaborate with your neighbors.
GENETIC ENGINEERING
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Using all accepted methods of genetic engineering, outline the procedure for developing a hybridoma that will produce peanut butter. Do it. Note: You will flunk if you should happen to develop an incurable disease.
ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING
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You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
CIVIL ENGINEERING
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This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
CHEMISTRY
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You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
MATHEMATICS [2]
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Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
RELIGION
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Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
ART
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Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
METAPHYSICS
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Describe in detail the probable nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
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