Joseph Queenan is a writer living in Tarrytown, New York. Three years ago his alcoholic father called him to apologize for all the pain he had inflicted on Joe and the family. Joe knew what the pain had been. For years his father had beaten the kids, terrorized his wife, and wrecked the house. He had gone through an endless series of menial jobs. And like most alcoholics, he was a compulsive liar.
He was so lazy he didn’t even bother to invent new lies. At least three times a year he would tell them his wallet had been stolen at the Philadelphia train station. He would even use the kids. Once, when Joe was 5, his father borrowed $20 from their Catholic priest. He took Joe to the local bar and for the next three hours rehearsed the amount of money – $15, $10, $5 – he was to tell his mother the priest had loaned them.
Joe’s father was a devout Christian. As Catholics, they said the rosary as a family devotion. His father dragged it out so it would take 40 minutes. One day during the ritual, their dad pitched forward dead drunk and passed out in the middle of the room. They left him there, face down on the carpet, all night long. In the morning, he couldn’t remember any of it. Like many alcoholics, if he didn’t remember it, then it probably didn’t happen. He couldn’t remember beatings, thefts, car accidents, or lies.
So three years ago, Joe’s dad called him up. Joe’s mom had left him, and he had lost his job and his pension. But these events had convinced him to give up drinking. He told his son, “One of the things I’ve learned through Alcoholics Anonymous is that you have to admit that you’ve hurt people. “And you have to let them know how sorry you are. “Son, I’m sorry for anything I may have done to harm you.” He then shook Joe’s hand.
Joe Queenan liked the part about “anything I may have done.” And the apology with a handshake seemed like just another ritual. To many Christians, this is pretty much what repentance amounts to. You tell God you’re sorry, and assume he’ll accept you. After all, he has to – he’s God, right? Did Joe Queenan’s father really confess to his son? He sort of said he was sorry. But he added the phrase, “for what I may have done.” He wasn’t really owning up to it. And yet I have to give his father credit for coming as far as he did. Many children receive far less. And we don’t give much more to God when we confess our sins.
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Over the years this Biblical principle has been abused. Among Roman Catholics, it became an automatic ritual of saying a few Hail Marys or giving a certain amount of money. But just because something has been abused does not mean it is no good. I think people today are looking for more evidence of repentance, not just words.
If Joe Queenan’s father is serious about making amends, it will take more to convince his son than a handshake. Staying sober and doing right by his family will carry much more weight.