Forgiveness: Good For Your Health and Holidays?

Rather than forgive and forget, is it really forgive and feel better physically and emotionally?

And, as a side benefit, could forgiveness reduce family holiday stress, right about now?

A new study done at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research says those in their 40s and older enjoy better mental and physical health through forgiving others.

And clergy and psychologists consulted say that while forgiveness – the ceasing of resentment – may not be a traditional Christmas theme, it just may help during holiday times when relationships are so much the focus.

“I think it makes Christmas sense: How to survive the holidays? Try to forgive one another,” said the Rev. Matthew Lawrence, chaplain at Canterbury House, an Episcopal center near U-M. “So many of the wounds are inflicted by our siblings and parents and other relatives. It is a task of spiritual development to see past what divides us and find the love that’s deeper.”

The U-M study of more than 1,400 Americans shows that more people had forgiven themselves and believe God had forgiven them for mistakes and wrongdoing, while fewer had forgiven others or sought forgiveness for harm they have done.

It is the first national survey linking age differences in forgiveness and health, and is a pioneering effort to study the topic scientifically. The social researchers piggybacked their questions on U-M’s well-known consumer confidence study.

“Forgiveness is not just a theological concept, but is one that has direct consequences for health and function,” said David R. Williams, a U-M senior research scientist and sociology professor involved with the work.

Interestingly, though, certain kinds of forgiveness are more, well, forgiving.

For example, forgiving oneself and forgiving others, really letting go of resentment and giving up trying to get even, appear to bring better mental health, the study showed.

But people who pray for those who hurt them, and actively seek God’s forgiveness, seemed to do less well.

“This is the dark side, which is unexpected and puzzling,” said Williams. “It may be symptomatic of some deeper psychological need or problem. Or it may be that forgiveness is a process that unfolds over time,” which wasn’t measured in the study.

The health benefits of forgiveness are more pronounced among people 45 and older. “There’s a certain perspective and wisdom that people gain as they get older. Forgiveness fundamentally has to do with bringing resolution to conflicts and past hurts,” Williams said.

People who have lived longer may be more aware of their mortality and the need to repair and maintain relationships, says the Rev. Lori Carey of Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church in Ann Arbor.

“We sometimes lose sight of how quickly time passes. People are so future-oriented, and they think they’ll forgive someone in the future, but then the opportunity passes. I think older people realize … it’s not worth the sacrifice of time to have a broken relationship,” Carey said.

The health aspects of forgiveness fall right in line with what clergy or psychologists say they already see.

“Without forgiveness, you’re almost unable to see the world clearly, and you’re certainly burdened by your own anger,” Lawrence said.

Anger can prompt high blood pressure, depression and anxiety, and forgiveness can defuse and eliminate anger, says Duane DeFranco, a U-M clinical instructor. And for those who carry around a grudge, “it can cause more harm than good. It’s not working for you,” he said.

Letting go of anger and moving toward forgiveness is especially timely around the holidays, DeFranco says. “There might be families where, if they could drop the grudge, they could get back together and help each other.”

Forgiveness also may be linked to overall health given the state of mind needed to forgive. “You have to be in a pretty good place to be able to forgive. So healthier people are perhaps more able to do that; they have worked through issues about regrets in their lives,” said Emanuel Schreiber, an Ann Arbor psychotherapist

The spirit of forgiving brings out the best in people, and it can be especially true at the holidays, Carey says.

“There’s a great deal of peace and good will. … For some this is the only time they’ll come to church, and … it is a longing for peace of mind and heart,” she said.

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Lisa Klionsky can be reached at lklionsky@annarbornews.com
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